Saturday, May 7, 2011

Can't wait for all of this to be over...

I haven't posted a blog in awhile...but it's really because I've just had a horrible semester or a horrible few months.
From things that have happened with a certain someone and him seeing someone shortly after we broke up (who, actually, is on the Quidditch team WITH us, and she is one of my friends...not sure if it's the right thing to tell her about him and I...). From me knowing I screwed myself over this semester because when we WERE dating, I spent all my time with him and let my schoolwork pile up and get the better of me. From crying, wanting to hide under a rock, and never wanting to come out. I've never used so many tissues and wanted to just get away from the world before than these past few months. Honestly, the only sunny side of this semester was that I found something I have a passion for, and that is Quidditch. I've wanted to go home so many times in the past couple months and just be around people who I could cry with and everything, but I can't. And I hate that one of my best friends is on her mission and I can't go over her house or call her up to cry to her. I don't even know how to explain all the crap I've been through and how it makes me feel. On top of that, he doesn't seem to care at all, which is perfect.
Plus, I think a couple guys like me, and I thought I had a crush on both of them, but when I was home last night, I thought about it. I'm not ready for anything for awhile. Seriously. I was just sitting at my desk after I went out with my roommates last night, catching up on "Grey's Anatomy", and I just randomly started crying. I just am so messed up with everything that's gone on and can't deal with this for awhile.
Honestly, and I'm going to sound completely dumb saying this, but I feel like there's only one person I've really truly liked and haven't stopped feeling this for...but I'm not even sure how he feels anymore. He isn't talking to me at the moment because he wrote me off (I'm kinda thinking because I was still a distraction, even if I was writing normally, but I can't say for sure), but I've been thinking of him recently and of what he would say to me. I know I've had so many ups and downs with him, but he's the first person that comes to mind when I'm doing something.
For instance, after I found out about a certain someone and another girl after we broke up, I was sitting on the shuttle, listening to my iPod, on my way home for Easter weekend. I felt like it was the first time I could REALLY think and hear myself. Well, I just imagined him telling me to forget about him and do my own thing, plus, I realized it wasn't worth it. For some reason, I just felt like I always wanted to be a better person because of him, and always tried to do things the right way because of him, as corny/dumb as that sounds. I'm not sure if it's because he's my first love, or maybe I really do love him. I'm not sure. I just know that even though I went through a bunch of crap with a certain someone recently, I feel like I was more hurt and angry rather than sad and feeling like part of me was being taken away like someone else. I miss talking to him a lot, and I was going to send him a letter, but my roommate actually took it away from me and told me not to write him because if I tried now, it might be too soon and I could ruin something further in the future.'s just been a horrible few weeks/couple months, and I am so glad it's almost over. This is rambling, but I needed to do this. Any thoughts would be appreciated.